Harry Potter and the Cranberry Affected Fanfic
by Tongze'n'Phawke
Summary: Tongze & Phawke, two writers hyped up on cranberries, bring you a fic guaranteed to make you go 'WTF' Chock full of cranberries, chocolate covered cranberries, man eating bongo drums, random brick walls, squid waffles, and all things funderful.
1. Of Deja Vu, Deja Vu and Cranberries

Well, basically this is the product of going high off of too many cranberries. This and the chapters that follow were created using a very complicated method which is actually quite easy to understand and isn't complicated at all. Basically one of us (usually Phawke) writes a random starting few sentences on word. Then we make all of the text white but the last sentence and/or last few words.

Then the next person has to continue the story as best as they can having only seen that last part. And then they white out all the text but the last bit, and the story is continued. Etcetera, etcetera. And this is how it turns out.

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'AHHHHHHHHHHH!' yelled Frank Woodley as he fell down a huge hole inconveniently placed in the middle of the pathway.

'What's his problem?' said Harry, scratching his head.

'He just fell down a huge hole inconveniently placed in the middle of the pathway,' said Hermione, matter-of-factly. 'Where did Ron go?'

'Dunno. Jamaica?'

'Jamaica?' asked Aunt Petunia. 'No way, Majorca is soooo much better. Where, by the way, Vernon, Dudley and I are going to. And YOU'RE not coming! Haha!'

Suddenly there was a loud booming noise. 'Remember my last, Petunia…'

'Déjà vu.' said Aunt Petunia.

'Déjà vu.' said Aunt Petunia.

'So, are you trying to say that you scratched my Wiggles CD?' thundered Voldemort murderously to a cowering Piers Polkiss.

'Um, the thing is…' Piers looked around the Death-Eaters secret hideout frantically and spotted something shiny sticking out of the wall. He ran up to it and poked the shiny silver thing. It fell out of the wall. It was a staple.

Narcissa walked into the room.

'Voldy! Naughty boy! Have you been stapling your bedroom walls again?'

'No, of COURSE not!' said Voldy, hiding his stapler behind his back.

'He has too!' yelled Arkie Phillpott.

'Have not!'

'Have too!'

'Have not!'

'Have too!'

'Have NOT!'

'Shut _up!_' yelled a migraine-affected Sirius.

'Sirius? You're _alive?_'

'Of course not,' said Sirius, his voice slurred. 'I just got reincarnated into a bunny rabbit…' he fell over with a thump.

Then, to Ginny's amazement, he melted into the solid stone floor.

'Uh oh, this can't be good,' said Professor McGonagall.

Then she also melted into the floor.

Ginny screamed and poked the floor with a stick.

It went straight through.

She gasped. 'GASP!'

Then Ginny did something extremely stupid and extremely brave. She took a great running leap and shoved her wand up the trolls nose. at this point the author wishes to intervene and say that this is NOT plagiarism. This isn't JKR's troll. He was called Andy. This one's called Donaldson.

"Me… stupid…" said the troll.

'Too right!' yelled Ernie MacMillan. Then the troll spotted Ron.

'You… look… funny…'

'I know you are, but what am I?' asked Ron.

Bellatrix Lestrange popped up from inside a trashcan. 'ELMO IN GROUCHLAND!' she shrieked.

'Uh… what?' said Ron, confused.

'KISS ME! I'M IRISH!' said Narcissa, popping up from the trashcan next to Bella's.

'TWIN FREDDOS FOR SALE! NOT SOLD SEPERATLEY!' shrieked Andromeda, from yet another trashcan.

'Not sold separately?' repeated Mark Evans incredulously. 'Why, that's an outrage! I'm suing Cadbury!'

'Wouldn't it be nice if the world was Cadbury…?' sang Aberforth.

'NO!' yelled PremzaWitchOfWeirdos and Dudette13.

'Really? Why?' asked Aberforth.

'Long story…' said PremzaWitchOfWeirdos and Dudette13, and returned to their large container of cranberries.

'Anyway… let's get straight to the point. What're we going to do about Percy?' asked George.

'What do you mean?' asked Hermione.

'His singing is terrible! And he has "Hung Up" stuck in his head! I'm gunna die!'

'Hey cool it!' said Ernie Prang. 'It's not _his_ fault his voice is terrible!'

'Yes it is,' said Percy shamefully. 'When I was six, I fell over and landed on a chicken,'

'What's that got to do anything with it?' said Snape.

'I like KFC,'

'So?'

'I like KFC. I like chicken. I almost killed one!' wailed Percy.

'But if you liked Kentucky Fried chicken, you don't care about chickens unless their Kentucky Fried.'

Percy paused. 'I LOVE KFC!'

'What, K-Marts Finest Cranberries?' asked Snape.

'No, Kentucky Fried Chicken.' said Percy sardonically.

'Let's all eat cranberries!' said Dumbledore.

'Wait, isn't Dumbledore dead?' asked Cedric.

'Bit rich coming from you.' said Amos Diggory.

'Well, whatever. Let's just eat cake.' said Flitwick happily.

'Cake? Who said cake?' said Fred.

'Flitwick,' said George.

'You idiot! That was the cue to start singing the 'I want candy song!'

'Oh. Oops,' said George.

'Anyway, what type of cake is it?'

'Cranberry,'

'Yay!'

Like it? Didn't think so. Joking, joking. Who could not love this pile of crap and cranberries?

Your Mission: REVIEW. If you don't, you'll be fired from the CIA or whatever secret agent type-thing you're in.

Why are you reading this? We just told you to review!


	2. Of Edible Shoes and Choc'n'Cranberries

Ron was painting his bedroom roof bright pink, for reasons best known to himself. Unfortunately, that moment Ron chose to knock the paint bucket off the ladder and towards to doorway, which Fleur had just opened, carrying her pure white no-more wedding dress.

'J'ACCUSE! YOU IMBEZILE! ZE WEDDING CANNOT TAKE PLACE ZIS SUMMER! EET IS YOUR FAULT!'

'Hey, chill.' said Mr. Lovegood soothingly.

'CHILL? HOW CAN WE CHILL?' yelled Hermione hysterically.

'OK, breathe.' said Frank Longbottom.

'I can't! I'm choking!' coughed Hermione.

'Wait… Dad, aren't you insane?' asked Neville, looking at his father with a confused expression.

'Of course I am, Neville!' said Frank, conjuring a large round piece of cheese and sticking his head in one of the holes.

Voldemort popped up from behind a dustbin.

'GIANT CANS OF AREOSOL DEODERANT ARE TAKING OVER THE EARTH! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!'

'Oh no!' said Winky, teetering on the edge of her seat.

'What?' asked Goyle.

'Didn't you hear about the evil cans of deodorant?' asked Dobby.

'EVIL CANS OF DEODERANT?' asked Goyle and wet his pants.

'Eww… someone clean his pee up, please.'

'How about Gilderoy Lockhart?' said Harry with an icepack on his forehead.

'Hehe! I like cranberries!' said Lockhart, who was floating around the office in a large pink bubble, littered with cranberries.

'Hey! Where did everybody go?' said Malfoy.

'Uhhh… we're still here,' said Goyle, indicating him and Crabbe.

'And meeeeee! I like cranberries!' yelled Lockhart and floated out to window.

'I'm still here,' said Harry, looking confused. 'Am I the only sane one at Disneyland?'

'No, Harry, you're just as sane as _I _am!' said Luna, riding her thestral down from a beech tree.

'LUNA? YOU HAVE A THESTRAL?'

'Yep, his name's Benjamin.'

'Benjamin? What kind of a dumb name is that?' asked Justin Finch-Fletchey. Luna looked highly offended.

'Hey, my middle name's Benjamin!' she retorted, losing her dreamy aurora.

'Your- your middle name?' said Susan Bones weakly.

'THAT'S RIGHT!' Yelled Fenrir Greyback. He grabbed Susan by the arm and disappeared. They reappeared in dank, dark dungeon. She was surrounded by masked Death Eaters. Susan shuddered at their pink Death Eater robes. 'You know, you guys should really get tailored suits. Or how about a designer brand? Like- DKNY?'

'DKNY?' asked Bellatrix, who, as a pureblood had no idea what it was.

'It's the equivalent of Twilfitt and Tattings.' explained Hermione.

'Pfft, I don't need advice on designer brands from a filthy little mudblood.' She sneered.

'On the contrary, I believe you do.' said Rudolphus, eyeing Bella's outfit.

'ARE YOU INSULTING MY FASHION SENSE?' Bellatrix thundered.

'O-of course not, my darling evil wife.' cowered Rudolphus. 'I-I thought you were, er, Narcissa.'

'Hey!' said Narcissa indignantly. 'I resent that! I'm not evil! Oh wait, I am.' She looked around at the other Death Eaters.

'DEATH EATER BARBEQUE AT MY HOUSE!' Yelled Bellatrix.

'You don't have a house. You've been sleeping on my couch since you broke out of Azkaban.' said Narcissa, impatiently.

'Well, Death Eater Barbeque at your mansion then. And how come I have to sleep on your couch if you have three hundred and ninety four guest rooms?'

'Um… well… you see, Bella, they're used for storing all my cranberries.'

'Cranberries? Where?' yelled Voldy eagerly.

'Nooooo! They're mutants, they'll eat you alive!' cried Greyback in warning.

'Ahhhhh' said Voldy, as he was eaten alive.

'Told you so.' said Greyback smugly.

'Well, that takes care of that problem.' said Harry.

'But what about the horcruxes?' asked Hermione

'They were eaten by the mutant cranberries!' said Lupin simply.

'Yet another reason to love cranberries.' agreed Tonks.

'Chocolate's better!' argued Lupin.

'Nuh – uh! Cranberries!' said Tonks.

'Chocolate!'

'Cranberries!'

'Chocolate!'

'Cranberries!'

'CHOCOLATE!'

'CRANBERRIES!'

'CHOCOLATE TIMES INFINITY!'

'CRANBERRIES TIMES-'

'What about chocolate covered cranberries?' suggested Wilkie Twycross.

'Mmmm… chocolate covered cranberries…' said Lupin and Tonks in unison.

'What about Catwoman?' said Moody.

Tonks started. 'What the bloody hell has that got to do with rocking-horse shit?'

'Nothing.'

'…' said Lupin.

'When has any line in this story got anything to do with the line before it?'

'Good point.'

'I LIKE CHEESE!'

'See?'

'Oh holy crap-'

'What?'

'Grawp's eating my shoe!'

'BAD GRAWPY!' said Hagrid.

'Sorry,' said Grawp, looking ashamed as he spat the old sneaker out.

'How did it taste, Grawp?' asked Hepzibah.

'Like shoe…' said Grawp.

'Your English is improved, Grawp.' commented Stubby Boardman.

'Yeah, but that's only coz I'm being possessed by Colin Creevey.'

'Who shot who in the what now?' said Uncle Vernon.

'Shut up! I'm trying to watch the Great Humberto!' yelled Dudley from the bathroom's living room.

'They bathroom's living room?' screamed Aunt Petunia to the authors. 'WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE? HOW COME I'M NEVER IN ANY STORIES THAT MAKE SENSE?'

'Because you're a stupid jerk and everyone hates you.' said Malfoy, sending her running off crying.

'That was _horrible!_' yelled Hermione.

'Do you think I care what you think is horrible?' asked Malfoy.

'Well, obviously not, by the look of your outfit.' said Hermione, gesturing at his awful bright green robes.

'Is it just me, or is Hermione the fashion queen in this story?' asked Yvonne, Aunt Petunia's friend. 'That's _so_ out of character.'

'Ohhh… right.' Said Hermione, disappearing behind a massive book.

'AHHH! HERMIONE'S DISSAPEARED! WE HAVE TO GO SAVE HER!' yelled Ron.

'Nah, don't bother.' said Ginny.

'Why not!' said Harry indignantly.

'Because, she's going to be completely fine in the next insane story.' said Ginny.

'Yeah,' said Harry. 'I mean, who reads this crap anyway?'

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Do _you_ read this crap? Of course you do, because you're reading it right now. Now review, or Tongze and I will become emos and kill ourselves, which will result in no new stories or updates.

* * *

**re·view**

_verb_ (_past and past participle_ **re·viewed**, _present participle_ **re·view·ing**, _3rd person present singular_ **re·views**)

**survey of past: **a report or survey of past actions, performance, or events

_a review of stock market performance during the past five years _

**look at something critically: **to examine something to make sure that it is adequate, accurate, or correct

_They need to review their sales strategy. _

**give opinion on something: **to write a journalistic report on the quality of a new play, book, movie, concert, or other public performance

_He reviews movies for a newspaper. _

**give opinion on something: **to write a journalistic report on the quality of a new play, book, movie, concert, or other public performance

_He reviews movies for a newspaper. _

education **study for test: **to study for a test by looking over notes and course materials

**look back on something: **to discuss or examine something again

_She's writing an article reviewing the company's history._

_noun_ (_plural_ **re·views**)

**article giving opinion: **a journalistic article giving an assessment of a book, play, movie, concert, or other public performance

_The book got unexpectedly bad reviews. _

**publication featuring reviews: **a magazine or journal that publishes reviews

_the Literary Review _

**re-examination of something: **another look at or consideration of something

education **discussion of material already learned: **a brief discussion of subject matter already learned, in preparation for a test

_This professor always has a review before a big test._

15th century. obsolete French_ reveue_ "inspection," _revoir_ "inspect" Latin_ revidere_ "see again" _videre_ "see"

-**re·view·a·ble**, _adjective_  
-**re·view·er**, _noun_ review or revue?

Review is the only spelling for the verb (meaning "to examine for accuracy or completeness," "to examine again," "to write a critique of," etc.) and for most noun senses: _The novel had both good and bad reviews in the popular press_. Revue is only used as a noun denoting a form of theatrical entertainment, and is the usual form in this meaning.

**Microsoft® Encarta® 2006. © 1993-2005 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

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**

**Now that you know what a review is, REVIEW!**

**Tongze & Phawke**


	3. Of Rubber Chickens and Cranberries

Hellooo people! More cranberry- affected fanfics for you coming right up. Do not own, blah blah insert disclaimer her 

Aragog, risen from the grave, chased Harry and Arnold the Pygmy Puff around the orchard around the back of the Burrow. 'Arnold, help!' yelled Harry frantically. 'I've been cornered!'

'You can't be cornered, it's an orchard with only trees and stuff.' Replied Arnold. Then some light flashed. The car, from their second year, had come to rescue them!

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Professor Flitwick. "A CAR! Wait – what is a car?" so they all hopped into the car, but the engine wouldn't start! "Oh, bum" he said.

The UFO beamed him up, and Harry found himself naked, lying on a table made of green sticky goo.

Some aliens, which resembled Professor Umbridge, so more like they resembled cane toads, were surrounding him. Also they had big brains for bodies.

"Jeepers creepers, they must be hedgehogs!" yelped Dumbledore. "Nope, they're all the human intelligence in the world stored into those thingies." said Harry.

"Oh."

They crept throughout the sewer, and then Harry saw something. "Hey, I found sixteen knuts on the ground!"

"Harry Potter will give sixteen knuts to Dobby sir, and Dobby will buy some toothpicks and used band-aids with blood and pus on them and they will be used as ingredients for Harry Potter's favourite Treacle Tart!" The treacle tart opened it's mouth and said;' I declare a karaoke contest!'

But then the steak and liver pie spoke up. 'TURN ON THE TV THE NEW SIMPSONS ARE ON NOW!'

'Ohmigod like totally I love the Simpsons Homer is sooooo hot!' said Dudley.

'Oh, my Ickle Duddykins is growing up!' simpered Aunt Petunia.

But then… '_Hem hem_' Umbridge kicked down the door and entered the toilet cubicle where all the rest were hiding from Ron who was trying to feed everyone U-No-Poo. She raised her wand and… it turned into a rubber chicken.

'AHHHH! The rubber chicken will kill us all!' shrieked Hermione and ran into the wall, which she went through, just like Platform 9 ¾!

'You guys are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo immature, get a life and help me make this felly tone call Voldy,' said Snape.

'But- but- YOU BUST SLUG!' whimpered Kevin, yeah, that little kid from the world cup. 'I want slug!'

Then Dennis Creevey turned Kevin into a slug, which slugged its way towards a polyjuice potion then melted into it, the result being that whoever would drink it, they would turn into Kevin the slug for 1 hour.

Anyway. The 'You BUST SLUG' cries rang throughout the room, cursing everyone who heard it, but then Bill came along and broke the curses, because he was a curse breaker.

'Hey everybody, I know, let's play truth or dare!' said Ginny.

'I pick dare,' said Harry.

'Ummm ok' said Hermione. 'You have tooo ummmmmmm throw yourself off from the top of the astronomy tower, and when you are falling you have to summon your broom and then you can fly back up!'

So Harry and the rest traipsed up to the Astronomy tower, to find it had turned into a gello pudding.

'Holy Gello Pudding, it's mutating!' shrieked Mundungus.

'No it isn't,' said Ron. 'It's still a gello pudding and that's good enough for me!'

Neville Longbottom awoke on the morning of his seventeenth birthday with a start. Today was the day he became a man. YAY! Hooray! Halleluiah! Etc.

'Yahooo… WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!'

Professor Sprout burst into the room. 'What is it that may be bothering thee, dear companion?'

'Eeeeeek! A…a…a… GIANT FIGURINE OF MALFOY! IT WILL KILL US ALL! BUT MALFOYS DEAD! HE'S CHANNELING HIS SPIRIT!'

'No worries, I will save the day with my joined writing,' said Lockhart who had popped out from Harry's box of make-up. "Awww man!" said Harry. "You suck!" and he shoved Lockhart out of the way so he could finally go down to live out his dream.

'Holy purple doorknobs!' screamed Ginny as the evil woollen blanket chased her around the orchard.

Then she had an idea! She had to find the master thread so the whole thing would unravel!

It turned out the master thread was for sale for $4.32 at the local gas station, so she walked down the road while reading the Quibbler to the petrol station.

Although, as her eyes were on the magazine, she banged into a brick wall which was very stupidly put in the middle of no where.

'Like, Ohmigod, this frickin brick wall is going to totally ruin my hairstyle!' shrieked Crabbe and Goyle, and put the bowl of custard into the pink backpack which swallowed it and burped.

"Trevor!" yelled Neville, outraged. Never had his toad shown such bad manners.

"Oh, Neville, I'm so, so sorry but I think he has that disease Professor Vector told me about… it was something to do with seventeen thousand stomachs."

Ron had walked in on them to hear only 'seventeen thousand stomachs'. "What the ruddy hell are you talking about, ay?" he asked suspiciously.

'Well,' said Hermione is her famous Matter-of-factly tone. 'When a star is spotted by a child whom is born under Saturn, that person will be doomed to a terrible curse, make up remover won't work on them.'

Everyone cracked evil grins and laughed. 'Mua ha ha ha ha ha…' Harry was laughing especially hard and really enjoying himself. Then he realised… he was standing around a bunch of people in masks, and he was laughing evilly.

"Awww, crap. I've turned into Voldy!"

'Yo Voldy, wassup dawg?' said Wormtail who had crept up from under Professor Mundungus's (he was the new Defence of Dark Arts teacher) robes.

'So, what are you guys doing tonight? I'm up for whatever!'

'Dude! It's our anniversary of going out together tonight, stupid!' and he went into a long, boring rant about their plans for their date together.

Finally he stopped. 'sooooo, can I come with?' Harry asked hopefully.

'Nah, Let's just go tenpin bowling,' said Dumbledore.

'Hey, you're alive!'

'So it would seem.'

So they went bowling. Then Harry slipped down the alley after tripping on his shoelace and disappeared into the hole at the other end.

'HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!'

Hello people! Did you like it? Well… what should the next chapter be about? Each reader should give a random topic or thing, and we'll put it into a story! Such as… killer insert type of cake here or an man-eating insert kitchen utenstil here 

In any case, review! We know where you live!


	4. Of Sombreros, Pubs and Cranberries

Some more randomness for you… This one's kind of short, bur not short of INSANITY AND CRANBERRIES! WHOOOOOO!

Harry Potter was eating a bowl of fruit. He picked up a handful of cranberries, and noticed there was something strange about them. Then he realised he was in a nuclear power plant. A loose pipe was dripping green nuclear waste into the fruit bowl. 'OMGWTF!' yelled Harry. Then the fruits, and the cranberries in his hand, turned into giant mutant fruits, and broke out of the plant, roaring.

'AHHH! I have to warn society about these giant mutant fruits!' screamed Harry girlishly.

'Giant mutant fruits! They will devour us all!' yelled Voldy. 'Life is not worth living anymore!' He picked up his wand and cried; 'Avada Kedavra!' Except he couldn't die because of his four-or-five remaining horcruxes. 'Dagnabit!'

'Haha! You can't die!' teased Harry. 'Wait…'

'Yeah, well…' Voldy looked strained.

'He looks like he's taken U-No-Poo.' said Ron to Harry, jabbing his thumb at Voldemort.

'Someone say me name?' asked Voldy.

'Huh? No,' said Ephias Doge. 'I was merely mentioning Sir Wollé de Morté of Lellefip, a famous jeweller in the mid 1300s.'

'Oh yeah, I read about him in this book called 'Famous onion-pickers of the 18th century, said Hermione.'

'Err… what?' said Katrina, Krum's girlfriend.

'Oh, you two look like you were_ meant_ to be.' said Hermione sweetly.

'Hey… Hermione?' asked Katrina.

'Erm, yes?'

'I can actually do something!' at this point Katrina rubbed her right eye.

'Come on, ve need to buy you a present.' said Krum, and he went to go and buy Katrina a fur carpet.

'Well… that was random.' said Denis Creevey.

'Yeah, and like the rest of the story isn't.' said Fred. Suddenly, Nott junior burst into the room.

'HEEELLLP! I'M BEING CHASED BY AN EVIL DAISY!'

'Do not fear, my dear,' said the Evil Daisy. 'I am merely an alien from Europa.'

'Europa? Cool! Can you take me there? I want to learn about the ice and mice.'

'Icemice,' corrected the Evil Daisy. 'Now, I hear that your friend Ron has invented a broomstick that will reach Jupiter. At this point, Europa is closer to the Earth than Jupiter, so I can take you to Europa right now.'

'RIGHT NOW?'

'No! Haha - psyche!' and the Evil Daisy and he ran off with a sack of money that came from no where in particular.

'Well, that was a bummer.'

'Yeah, I guess – but ice-cream heals all wounds.' Said Aberforth, a goat chewing on his long silvery beard.

Then a dragon swooped down from the sky and picked him up. Aberforth screamed for his dear life.

'AHH! A DRAGON HAS SWOOPED DOWN FROM THE SKY AND PICKED ME UP!'

Hermione, who was sunbathing below, looked up and saw the dragon carrying Aberforth, although from a distance, she thought he was Dumbledore as she didn't know who Aberforth was.

'Ohmigod! I have to save Dumbledore! Oh wait, he's dead! Er… maybe it's his brother! Anyway, I have to save him!' screeched Hermione.

'How do we find his brother?' asked George.

'We look for dizzy goats!' said Hermione.

'Dizzy goats? Nooooooo!' yelled Helga Hufflepuff's spirit.

'What's up with you?' asked Hermione.

'Dizzy goats are evil! Duh!' yelled Helga.

'You mean like… manticores?' asked George.

'And chimaeras?'

'Manticores and chimaeras and dizzy goats! Oh my!'

'Manticores and chimaeras and dizzy goats! Oh my!'

'Manticores and chimaeras and dizzy goats! Oh my!'

'Will you guys shut up? I'm trying to sleep!' yelled Poliakoff who was dangling from a bungee cord.

'You can't sleep dangling from a bungee cord,' said Hermione. 'It's scientifically impossible.'

Grawp strode into the paddock. 'HERMY! WHERE MY SOMBRERO?'

'Um… the basilisk stole it!' said Hermione, hiding Grawp's sombrero behind her back.

'Me no like snakey!' said Grawp.

'Wait, how did he know the basilisk was a snake?' asked Romilda.

'Um… he met him down the pub.' said Tongze, the current writer, with a shrug.

'Oh my God – this story sucks! You don't even know the name of any freaking pubs in the HP books!' yelled Hermione.

'Yes I do!' said Tongze. 'There's the Hanged Man, and The Hogs Head, and the Three Broomsticks…'

'OK, I get it.' said Romilda.

'I'm bored.' said Greyback.

'Me too.' said Tongze'n'Phawke.

'Can we end this chapter already?' asked Harry.

'OK!'

Yay! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! Etc.

Please?


	5. Of Santa, Hate Lists and Cranberries

**Yay! Another chapter! Don't you love updates? I do! Woot!

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It was a dark and stormy day. Horace Slughorn sat eating crystallized pineapple at his house. There was suddenly a loud bang, and Harry Potter, the Chosen One himself, burst through his wall. He yelled;

"Here I am Professor, come to save your pet Chihuahua from extinction!"

"I'm no longer your Professor, Harry." Slughorn pointed out.

"Oh," said Harry.

"And my Chihuahua isn't endangered!"

"Oh," said Harry again.

"And furthermore, I don't _have_ a Chihuahua!"

"Then what the bloody hell is this?" yelled Harry, holding up a box labelled: 6297 PIECE PUZZLE.

"It's a parsnip," said Hermione matter-of-factly.

"Nuh-uh, Mione. It's a cockroach cluster." Said Ron.

Snape burst through the door of the unisex bathroom. "What are you talking about, eh?"

"Rubber chickens."

McGonagall came out from one of the stalls. "Rubber chicken you say? Uh… I don't know nothing about a rubber chicken! I especially didn't use it for illegal chemistry experiments involving Bunsen burners, magnesium and copper sulphate."

"You don't know anything?" asked Hermione. "You _never_ listened in History of Magic when you went to school, did you?"

"Huh?"

"Uric the Oddball used one to decapitate Urg the Unclean in 1447!"

"Wasn't Urg the Unclean the one Ron made up?" asked Phawke. Tongze, once again the current writer, told her to shut up.

"_Plus,_ you made approximately two grammar errors when you spoke! I don't know nothing? You sound like Peeves!"

"YOU MEANIE!" yelled Peeves. "I'M GOING TO STORM OUT OF THE ROOM NOW!"

"Where'd he go?" asked Narcissa.

"Meh." Hermione shrugged. "He's probably gone to bust slugs with Kevin's Mum. I think they're going out."

"WHAT!" yelled Kevin's dad, and killed himself.

"Uh… okay," said Ginny, and continued to eat cranberries. 10 seconds later she ran out and decided she was bored.

"I'm bored. Maybe I'll go snog Harry. I wonder if he likes cranberries? Then I can get him to buy me some more."

"He must like cranberries if he's _your_ girlfriend." Ron pointed out.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ginny asked.

"Well, he'd taste them, like, once a day. At least." Romilda Vane gagged on her cornflakes. Ginny's eyes narrowed. Ron, who was deathly afraid of his sister, scarpered.

"Hi Ginny." said Colin Creevy, passing by.

"Oh, hi Colin. Have you seen my hate list?"

"I dunno. What's it look like?"

"It's a very long piece of parchment with the words 'Fred Weasley' on it. I was going to add Ron."

"Oh. No, sorry."

"Damnit!" said Ginny.

"Why Fred anyway? Isn't George just as bad as he is?"

"Yeah… but Fred always flicks people's ears."

"Sup, ma peeps?" said Fred, walking into the room and flicking Santa Claus' ear, who for some reason happened to be there.

"SANTA CLAUS? WTF!" yelled Regulus.

"Shouldn't you be in the North Pole making crappy presents that break 10 minutes after you open them?"

"I'm on break." said Santa, licked his finger, and turned a page on his porn magazine.

"YOU FILTHY SLAVE DRIVING LUNATIC!" Hermione screamed, bursting back into the room. "HOW DARE YOU FORCE POOR ELVES TO MAKE TOYS FOR YOU! DO IT YOURSELF YOU LAZY CU-"

"Hermione!" yelled the imaginary censor. "This' T-rated!"

"Oh, right. Well you shouldn't force elves to do such things and… and… I'm going to report you to S.P.E.W.!"

"What's spew?" asked Santa, looking briefly up from his magazine.

"It's not _spew!_" said Hermione hotly. "It's S.P.E.W. – the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare."

Santa chuckled.

"Who came up with a dumb name like that?" he asked. Hermione opened her mouth to respond just as there was a burst of red light and the door flew open. There stood Lord Voldemort, and he didn't look happy.

"You never gave me a yoyo, Santa!" he complained. "I had to steal one from another kid in the orphanage instead! PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Santa!" Hermione shrieked. "Do something! They're about to kill you!"

"Santa's gunna die the way he lived." Santa muttered, and turned yet another page of his magazine. There was burst of green light from Voldemort's wand and Santa fell off of his deck chair, dead.

"OH NO!" yelled the Bloody Baron.

"I know! Now who will give all the boys and girls toys when they're-"

"It's not that! I just realised… I forgot all about my appointment at the hair salon! What shall I do!"

"Dunno. Eat cheese?"

"…mmkay."

"Hey, hey, that's my cheese you're stealing!" yelled Trelawney, pulling out a large mallet from her shawls and began whacking everything except her cheese with it.

"AHHH! EVIL TEACHER ON THE LOOSE! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!"

"And woman." Said Ginny.

"Whatever."

"AHH! EVIL CHEESE MINIONS!"

"Oh no… she's in a trance again."

"Is she ever not in a trance?"

"Who's talking?"

"I don't know… we're just white eyes."

"Huh?"

"You know… like on cartoons when it's dark! You can just see their white and black eyes blinking."

"Oh."

"This is so confusing!"

"And so… dark."

"Who are you?"

"Who are _you?_"

"Hey! Don't touch that!"

"Oookay… you're not a guy."

"Well spotted."

"Hey, you're Hermione!"

"You're Ron!"

"No… I'm Ron's evil twin! Ronaldo Weasle."

"Well hello," said Hermione's evil twin, Hurmiona Grengie.

"Er… hi." Said Ron. "So, Harry, what's your evil twin called."

"Um… Hairy… Putty?"

"Cool."

"Totaleh."

"…"

"Anyone up for a scavenger hunt?" yelled Hairy Putty, Harry's evil twin who didn't really exist. Yeah, well it's not like Ronaldo existed, either.

"Oooh! Me!" said a woman's voice. Harry and Ron turned. There stood the hottest woman they'd ever seen. And that included Fleur. And maybe even the Veela.

"I'm Ron." said Ron quickly, raising a hand to ruffle his red hair.

"I know, silly. I've met you before." The woman gave a tinkling laugh.

"Really?"

"Yes, it's me! Gilderina Lockhart!"

"You mean Lockhart has a sister?" whispered Harry cluelessly.

"I don't think she's Lockhart's sister, mate." Ron muttered back. "I think… I think that _is_ Lockhart!"

"AHHHHHH!"

* * *

**Okay… so Slughorn has a unisex bathroom in his house…**

No… the unisex bathroom _is_ his house.

**Right. Of course. How could I have missed that?**


	6. Of Pocketwatches and Giant Cranberries

HELLO! I LIKE PINEAPPLES! Tongze likes pineapples too. I also like peaches. I had tinned peaches for breakfast today.

The Story is down there.

\/

'OW!' yelled Fenrir Greyback, stubbing his toe on a massive yellow thing.

'WTF!' Alecto yelled. 'Where'd that massive spiky yellow thing come from?'

'It's… it's… a Giant Pineapple!' said Caracatus Burke.

'What? You mean we're in Australia?' asked Harry. 'Again?'

'Nope. I think Hermione just conjured up the Pineapple.' said Ron.

'Why would she do that?'

'Meh. As a stand for Elf Rights?' Ron guessed.

'What the bloody hell does a Giant Pineapple have to do with Elf Rights?'

'You mean it has Elf Rights or it has something to do with Elf Rights?'

'Dunno.' said Dai Lleweyn. 'Maybe we should ask Hermione if the Pineapple's joined Spew?'

'IT'S NOT SPEW!' screamed Hermione.

'Yeah, it's SPUG!' yelled Some Guy.

'An evil spug?'

'No…' said Some Guy.

'What kind of a name is Some Guy, anyway?' a Veela put in. Some Guy ran off crying.

'Aww. Poor Some Guy.'

'Oooh! Oooh! I know!' said Dennis Creevey. 'Let's buy him a present to make him feel better?'

'Ok! What do we buy him?' Winky asked.

'Um… a spug?'

'What's with the spugs?'

'Ok, ok… How about a toaster, then?'

'Great idea! Let's go buy one right now!'

'Ok, where should we go?'

'Harvey Norman!' yelled Wormtail.

'Go, Harvey Norman Go!' sang Bella.

'But what about the Good Guys? They're much cooler!' pointed out Voldy.

'Come on in and see the Good, Good Guys, Big Brands, Low prices!' sang Rudolphus.

'Come on in and see the Weird, Weird, _Weird_ Guys!' sang Trelawney, drowning out Rudolphus' words. 'We'll chop you up and eat you!'

'Err… whatever.' said Bagman.

'OHMIGOD! BAGMAN WE HATE YOU!' Fred and George ran into the room with chainsaws.

'What is this, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre?' asked the Fat Lady, shaking her head.

'Nope, the England Chainsaw Massacre.' said Sir Cadagon.

'Oh,'

'AHHHH! EVIL TWINS WITH CHAINSAWS! EVERY MAN… er, and woman… FOR HIMSELF! Or herself, I guess.'

'Okay. Should we scream as well?' asked Ginny

'Yeah, if you want.'

'Okay,' said Ginny, and began screaming loudly. 'AHHHHHHHH! EVIL CHAINSAWS WITH TWINS!'

'WTF!'

'I'm not quite sure.' shrugged Susan Bones. 'But I think that Fred and George, the evil twins, have evil chainsaws, named Tex and Kate, who have children chainsaws that are twins named Sam and Sandy.'

'No, I think it was just a pun on what was said earlier.' said Hermione, rolling her eyes.

'Heh. Right.' said Susan.

'I _would_ be raising my eyebrow right now,' said Terry Boot. 'But I can't.'

'ME NEITHER!' yelled Tongze.

'Suckers.' Phawke laughed.

'I KNOW!' shouted Terry. 'LET'S WAGE A WAR AGAINST EVERYONE WHO CAN RAISE AN EYEBROW!'

'YEAH!' everyone else who suffered the disability of not being able to raise an eyebrow agreed.

Phawke sniggered at Tongze, who had just written the last part, and unfortunately couldn't raise her eyebrows.

'WE WILL FIGHT BACK!' yelled Bellatrix, who had appeared climbing out of a Giant Peach, and incidentally could do Mexican waves with her eyebrows.

'WTF! A Giant Peach!' shouted Harry. 'Isn't that from that random Muggle Movie?'

'Well… this chapter certainly has a lot of Giant Fruits in it. Peaches… pineapples…'

'WHERE'RE THE GIANT CRANBERRIES!' demanded Dobby.

'We already had Giant Cranberries, a few chapters back.' Hermione reminded him.

'DOBBY WANTS GIANT CRANBERRIES!' Dobby screamed.

'Calm down.' Dobby's counsellor reminded him.

'You have a counsellor, Dobby?' asked Madame Maxime.

'Dobby has a counsellor! Ever since he found that he didn't want to call Professor Dumbledore a barmy old codger.'

'What's wrong with that?' Hermione whispered to Ron.

'Who _wouldn't_ want to call an old guy a barmy old codger?' Ron whispered back. 'Dobby really _does_ have mental problems.'

'Who said he didn't?' asked Hagrid.

'Dobby is having mental problems!' said Dobby.

'Touché.' said Harry, scratching Crookshanks behind the ears. 'Now where did I put my £100 Grocery Store voucher?'

'I think I saw it in the Forbidden Forest last week.' said Ron's Dad's Ford Anglia.

'Car! You're back!' said Arthur joyfully.

'Talk to the rear-view mirror.' said the Ford Anglia.

'Er… Ok.' said Arthur. 'Well, nice to meet you rear-view mirror. I'm Arthur Weasley, I have seven kids named William, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, Ronald and Ginevra. My wife's name is Molly Weasley, her maiden name is Prewett. And her two brothers died in the War. Very tragic, yes. So… I've never talked to a rear-view mirror before.'

'Um,' said Ginny. 'Is anyone else concerned that Dad's talking to a rear-view mirror?'

'Look, I'm only talking to it because it said I was fat!' cried Arthur, and sat down and began eating a whole bucket of ice-cream.

'Hey Arthur, how would you feel if I was eating you?'

'Um… like I was being eaten by a giant tub of ice-cream?'

'And how does that make you feel?'

'I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!' Lupin cried, pulling his pocket watch out of his pocket.

'You work for the Queen of Hearts?' asked Charlie.

'No… I work for Dumbledore. Or whoever the leader of the Order is now. What I meant was; I'm late for a date with Tonks.' said Lupin. 'Facepalm!'

'Hahaha! Lupin has a pocket-watch!' Ron laughed. 'Neeeeeeerrrd!'

'That wasn't very nice.' Hermione frowned disapprovingly.

''Mione, as a Quidditch player, it's my job to-' Ron stopped as Harry passed by. 'Hey, Harry! Did you get a load of that nerd?'

'Which nerd?' asked Harry. 'Me, or-?'

'Noo… Lupin!'

'Lupin's not a nerd!'

'He has a _pocket watch_.'

'A _pocket watch?_ Ok, he's a nerd.'

'Yeah. Like that bunny in Alice in Wonderland who's obsessed with his pocketwatch.'

'Hey!' said the bunny.

'My dear bunny, shut up!' said the Mad Hatter. 'Would anyone like tea?'

'Hey, Ernie!' said Justin Finch-Fletchey to Ernie MacMillan. 'He's as mad as a hatter! Get it? Huh? Huh?'

'No…' said Ernie, looking confused.

'Oh, right. Muggle thing.'

'Baboon's backside!' gasped Luna.

'It wasn't _that_ funny.' said Ron.

'…'

'So… guys… whadda ya wanna do?' Aberforth asked. 'Fart?' he suggested.

'Ewww…' said everyone present.

'No, seriously, guys.' said Aberforth. 'I just farted.'

'Ewww…' said everyone again.

'No, that was a joke!' said Aberforth. 'You know, seriously? And Sirius and serious sound the same! LOL!'

'Um… how do you know Sirius?' asked Harry.

'We were beer buddies.' said Aberforth.

'Oh… ok.'

'I can't think of an ending.' said Phawke, the current writer. 'Ooh, I know!'

Then everybody died, the end.

**(Sob) THE GIANT SQUID KILLED JACK SPARROW!**

Nooo! It was the Giant Squid's evil brother, the Kraken! Which is pronounced wrongly! And anyway, Jack is gunna be in the next movie… yeah. We saw Dead Man's Chest today… awesome, Jellyman.

**Totaleh. But Jack's dead! And Will's, like, heartbroken. And Bootstrap Bill is really really ugly!**

And I'd just like to point out on public internet that our friend has a thing for Orlando Bloom. MWEHEHEHEHE! She kept a GIANT cup just because it has his picture on it.

**Yes and our other friend has a thing for Jack Sparrow. Oh and don't blame us if we spoiled PotC2 for you! Not our fault! It's yours for reading this crap!**

Oh yeah… REVIEW! OR WE'LL SPOIL MORE MOVIES! LIKE…LIKE…

**SNAKES ON A PLANE!**

Haha… that movie is soooo gay… not so much as Brokeback Mountain. LOL!

**And the Rowan of Rin movie! Directed by a bukshah! And written by us and Liz! SHEBA PLACED A CURSE ON ROWAN SO HE CAN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND FOR MORE THAN A FEW DAYS! MUAHAHAHA!**

Review to tell us if you want the scripts. So they'll be spoilt.


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